About tmc

I got kidnapped. 

For real?

Twice

And you don’t write about it?

Dude, it’s not who we are around here?

Dude, what are you talking about?

I mean we’re not about all the chest thumping here. There’s plenty of places to go to for that.

Fuck you we’re not. Dude, dudes do thump their chest once in a while and in today’s climate, with old Orange back in the hot seat, thumping’s in. Like in in. Besides, you’re kind of in the pits right now. Bragging would be good for you. Get those dopamines kickin’. You, uh, ya know, hit that?

No.

No?

No. One time, though, the three of us wound up in a hot tub. I played under the bubbles with the cuter one and she played back. I can’t remember how the night finished. I think we just wound up spooning. 

Okay, but still, kidnapped?

As in grabbed-me-by-the-hair-you’re-coming-with-us kidnapped, yep.

Dude, high five.

The second time I was walking to my car from a great seafood dinner by the water, and an SUV pulls up. Hop in, they said. We went to a drag show, the Space Needle. One was visiting from New Orleans. Her accent, geezus.  

You didn’t hit that, either?

Yeah yeah yeah, I knew that’s where you were going, and no.

Still.  Kidnapped. High five.

Ya know something, you were right. That felt pretty good, actually.

Told ya.

It did.

What do you want to talk about next time? 

Hmm, good question, let’s see.

Ones you did wind up hitting. That didn’t come out right, did it? Wrecking? Are the kids still saying smashing that–

There was this French girl. “You know,” she says to me, “in France we have sex first before we go on the date. If the sex is no good, then we don’t go out.” With the cool French accent of course.

I like this France.

Right?

And you did?

I really did.

And?

She lived in Paris and there we had baguette with cheese after dinner, but that was only after, well, ya know.

Dude, wtf? Why you holding off on this guy stuff?

All right, all right, but after my next money guy piece. I also got to flip some shit to the atheists and author who promised me he’d submit something to us and then tucked tail. Probably because I voted for Trump. Plenty to say on that one. I’ll circle back around to some smashing stories, promise.

Thump thump, mother fucker.

High five.

That’s my line. You can have it, though.