Trump check

Lots up in arms over the sweeping terminations going on right now across the vast stretch of North American pampas otherwise known as federal bureaucracy. Elon, that big bad evil Elon, that who-let-that-son of a bitch-in-illegally Elon–he’s coming, and he’s gonna clean out your account. He’s bringing his henchman, his leather-encased AI codes with him.

He can’t do that!  

It’s outrageous! 

Only Congress can dismantle a federal agency!  

Resist! 

Resist!  

So much resistance. 

As an example of that resistance, a homie tells me, “Dude you can’t just–I don’t know, man, ya gotta have more empathy, man.

I chew quietly on my own situation for a sec: empathy, hmmm. You mean, like, empathy toward those who don’t do anything wrong, but get fired anyway?  I’m dripping with empathy if that’s what he means.

My homie breaks the silence: “so fuck those government workers, then?”

“I didn’t say that, you did. But yeah, screw ’em.”

“Bro.”

“What, I had to. Still am.”

“Still am what?”

“Starting over.”

“You go they go, then. That it?”

“It’s what any man can look forward to if he’s around long enough. I get to figure out a new course. So do they. Been fat how many years now? Fat party’s over, Bro.”

“You’re a dick.”

“Will you take that back if the fat Dr. Evil trims off winds up back up in our pockets?” Don’t fail me now, Elon.

“Sure it is. Keep dreaming. And by the way, you’re being kind of a dick right now.”

“You said that twice already. “

I can’t disagree. All my human qualities are tested right now. I still attend Sunday mass. I still pray. I’m still nice to everyone. My frustration doesn’t keep me from gettin’ wood (thank God!). Once in a while, I try to do something that only my God knows about. Random act of kindness kind of thing. I texted my sister “I love you” just yesterday for no reason. “Perfect timing,” she replied back. I’m not a complete dick.

But hungrily, ravenously, I seek payback for what’s taken place to me personally. I totally get it, that man’s inclination to wanna get back at everything and everyone who hurt him. Some call that weak, others petty. I don’t know, feels pretty fuckin’ normal to me.

And do I really care about the federal worker who’s getting his walking papers after how many years of service? About as much as the leftie crying his lame crocodile tears. So suck it up, homie, I say. I am. And I’m learning a lot about myself in the process.

Besides, government at all levels is fat. No one seems to be able to deny or refute this. Not my homie to my left. Not any of the think tanks, not the resistors. Not the CNN pundits. No one! 

Was I glued to the boob tube during the Super Bowl because of the alleged DOGE ads Elon purchased? Yes! Especially if you consider it was more the Snooze Bowl, and commercials were about the only thing to look forward to. I don’t know what was snoozier in the end.

Nothing, though. Was I dreaming Elon bought that ad space? Where’d they go? Elon, we wanna see it, you promised. The fat. Show us the fat.

I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but as far as my irreverent, informed eye can see, nothing outside of downsizing is taking place. Nothing sinister. Even the AI part. Geezus, the incredulity. Where the hell’s it coming from, anyway? AI’s a fast moving freight train that’s been barreling straight toward us for how long now?  Just the other Sunday on 60 Minutes they interviewed a Silicon Valley big shot. Guy’s raking it in. He’s an Asian guy, diminutive in stature, but King freegin’ Kong in AI. Would it be different and less evil if he were standing in the Oval Office with his kid on his shoulders? Homie’s gonna crush it in the next couple years more than he already has. Is the left getting on his case, too?

I can’t stand AI. Every time I task my kid with writing something, I wonder if little focker’s, ya know. But AI’s here whether I like it or not.

But it’s not AI that some circles are up in arms about, is it?

Is it?

It’s him. 

So now what?

Now, as far as I can see, the government still contracts people and businesses all the time, that’s what. I’ve worked in a few maritime ones myself. Elon Musk as far as we can tell is basically doing the same goddamn thing.

But he’s not elected! cries the left.

No government contractor is.

And culling cubicles does not “dismantling an agency” make. It’s too early, but I’ll say it anyway: I’m still getting my government check and the kid’s federal aid for next year hasn’t been touched. We’ll be the first to squawk about it if it does.

Just like I said we would.

And Elon, if you want to redirect that fat back into America’s pockets–have you seen the price of eggs lately?

-tmc

(We hope to recruit enough homies on all sides and shades to conduct normal Trump checks here, so please. It’s how we like to do shit around here)